It’s been a while kiddies. If any of you have actually been checking back here to see if there were new posts since like June 5th, I commend your commitment to zombiedome, and also, I’m sorry to have disappointed you. But good news, I have a pretty exciting/horrific story to tell. One that will hopefully serve as a warning to others, but most likely will encourage more widespread douchbaggery.
So last night, well 3:30am today, well yesterday… cause it’s 3:30am again…fuck. My good friend and co-worker (we’ll call him Stu) and I were just finishing our drinks after work. We’d only had three pints each, and after 8 hours of labor we were pretty much ready to call it. So we started our walk to our respective dwellings. After many foot falls and ridiculous conversations we happened upon a 7-11 and did what any slave economy loving peasants should do: bought a bunch of shit we didn’t need that was bad for us. Unfortunately, there happened to be a NEW product in the drink cooler, one that had millions of dollars worth of marketing weaponry to target, capture, and fucking obliterate our common sense, ideas of self preservation, and journey for contentment. I give you..
This little bastard is a 85ml tube of body blasting sin. In our infinite wisdom and complete lack of will to modern advertising we thought it would be a great idea to each try one at 4:00am on a work night. Sitting outside the sev, holding our vials of mystery and promise, we inspected the container for more information on what we were about to experience. The first thing that draws your attention is the yellow warning band around the top which reads:
“Must be 18 or older. EXTREMELY POTENT: Read label before drinking.”
Fucking Awesome. We’ll skip over the fact that neither of us were I.D.’d when we paid. Now lets read that label:
“WARNING: DO NOT USE IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18. DON NOT TAKE WITH ANY OTHER STIMULANT SUPPLEMENTS, CAFFEINATED BEVERAGES, OR PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION. DO NOT USE IF PREGNANT, NURSING, OR CONTEMPLATING PREGNANCY. Consult with your healthcare practitioner prior to use if you have any pre-existing medical conditions, including high blood pressure, thyroid problems, hyper-thyroidism, asthma, nervous disorders, if you are using MAO inhibitors or taking any prescription drug, or suffer from migraines. Individuals who are sensitive to caffeine should begin with one-half the recommended dose and limit the use of other caffeine-containing foods and drinks while taking this product because too much caffeine can cause nervousness, irritability and sleeplessness. Discontinue use if you experience dizziness, headaches, nausea or heart palpitations. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN.”
Shit yeah! “contemplating pregnancy?!” As I was pondering the implications of this particular comment on our 18A vials Stu had noticed another statement on the label below the french version of the buyer beware. “VIRTUALLY UNBREAKABLE CONTAINER.” He read aloud, following swiftly with a downward blow of the container on the concrete parking barricade below him. As the feeble plastic drink dildo exploded in a shower of blue liquid, so did our laughter erupt at the now confirmed childlike situation we had created for our selves. “Shitty” I laughed “whatever, we’ll split this one.” This turned out to be a direct act of god, showing our circulatory systems a glint of mercy.
So after we’d consumed our 45ml of odd tasting adventure we continued on our walk. OH YEAH, the taste. Imagine if you drank a vial of nano-machines that instantly set to work rearranging your DNA, this is similar to the throat burning, research chemical taste of “HARDCORE Energize BULLET”. Not particularly enjoyable, much like my first cigarette. Anyway, everything was normal for the next 5 seconds, you know the average amount of time you’d expect for a beverage to take effe-HOLY FUCK WHY IS MY SKIN VIBRATING?!
We both stopped to look at each other, scanning for assurance that we were still human. No such luck. We then resumed one of our previous conversations to take our minds off the acid trip we were now taking together.
About 15 minutes went by before we got to where I live and, where normal people would part company and go on with their lives. Stu and I however were basically in a zombie rave, our hearts pumping out Infected Mushrooms, while our eyes zipped around the empty streets looking for any sign of danger we could run up to an lick. The shnahzberries do indeed taste like shnahzberries kids. I don’t remember much more of what happened before I slept, at one point a raccoon tried to mug us for our remaining sev swag which i believe consisted of a microwavable hamburger, no shit. We called each other at like 3:00pm the next ‘morning’, both having just arose to bodies that felt several decades older than when we were last conscious. And we have both agreed that tomorrow at work we’re going to each slam one for the dinner rush. God I love the FDA.
No but for real, don’t drink this shit. That’s coming from a guy who’s smoked almost every spice in the cupboard out of desperation. You’ll be much better of if you just stick to drinking alcohol excessively and back talking tazer wielding police.
But seriously… contemplating pregnancy. WTF
